Admission... the first step to recovery?

This past week I have really been struggling with myself. I am lost in my thoughts, which is kinda normal for me. But not this much.

The past few years, I had thought that I was an awesome person. That I was strong, but Monday I admitted something that I had never admitted before. Don't you just hate it, when you were wrong about yourself? That you aren't the person that you thought you were?

It made me come to grips with somethings with my past that I wasn't prepared to deal with.

Is it wrong to wish that I was naive about myself? That I didn't realize, that I failed? Or does it cause me to be human?

This is one of those times, I wish I could crawl in a hole, but maybe my husband is right "Admission is the first step to recovery".... but how can that be? I have already physically recovered from this, I don't understand.

Honesty

Why is it that it is so hard to be honest? Why is it that we struggle to tell the ones we love the truth? And why is it so much easier to vent about someone behind their back than to take the risk and just tell them how you feel?

There are times when I wonder how someone would react if I just told them how I feel. Would they like me anymore? Would I still be viewed as a nice, warm, loving person? I wonder, would I be a better person but feel like a horrible human being. I get so tired of living on eggshells and biting my tongue. Is it worth? I don't know. I don't want people to hate me, I want to be loved. But is it really love, if I feel like I have to keep things from them?

It seems like every time I am honest and truthful, I get punished for it. Why is that? I am sorry but life isn't this cookie cutter world, full of perfection. There are flaws and truths that are hard to hear. Get over it! I say that, but yet, I don't even get over it. I lost something I wanted because I was honest, and the person got it because they were uneducated and positive. Is there a way to be honest, truly honest, and be positive at the same time? I don't think there was in this situation.

You what i find to be the saddest of all honesty situations? When parents can't even be honest with their own children. Why is it that parents live in fear of their children? They use you, and you can't even stand up for yourself? They tell you how "horrible" you are, and you don't even rebuke them? It bugs me, when parents just don't care enough, to take a stand and be honest to their own children. What kind of world are we creating?